Monday, October 25, 2010

The First Step Is Admitting You Have a Problem

So...I think I have a problem.

I don't think I am a very good blogger.

First of all, I cannot really bring myself to post the link to this thing on Facebook, where I would probably garner some pageviews. be honest, I don't even want anybody to be looking at this thing. I don't want people to be privy to my thoughts, my rants, my likes and dislikes. To be honest...I like keeping up my barriers.

If you think about it, social networking has separated people into a dichotomy of sorts: those who "create" themselves online, and those who are much too effusive online. Either you just totally lie to everybody and hide yourself, or you are the embodiment of TMI. This is why I don't enjoy going on Facebook anymore-- the fakers and drama queens. I just can't take it. And honestly, I don't want to be post my link on my newsfeed and have my thoughts be subject to evaluation...because I just don't want to be criticized.

This makes me appreciate the genre of Autobiography all the more.

I have never liked being around people who talked exclusively about themselves, yet I have always been fascinated by recollections of memoir in writing. But to me, those who have written autobiography and memoir have an interesting perspective on the world. I just feel like I'm middle-class, white suburbia-- about as generic as they come. Since I don't have anything inherently interesting about me, what is there to say that won't be a feeble attempt to boost my self-esteem?

Now I sound like a whiner. Great.

But you know what? Today, as I was driving down the interstate, I decided something. This entire senior year of mine, I have been riddled with feelings of anger and guilt-- constantly. I have been angry at the events of my past, the present injustices, and the future failures to correct any of them. And I have felt guilty for being scared of the path that lays before me and choosing the "best" kind of life for myself, but more importantly, the world. This morning, I realized that such feelings...don't have to be there. I do not have to save the world. The perfectionist in me nags on me all the time, persisting that I must be the very best at what I do; obviously, the best thing would be to do something "great." But saving the world is what God did and is doing at this very moment. I don't have to feel guilty all the time because no matter what I choose, I can do good things for others; I can be a light. And yes, anger can be a healthy emotion to have, but letting it subside to contentment every once in a while is not a bad thing. It is one thing to be aware; it is another to be tormented without relief. My best weapons are my calm and my diligence, and that is something that I need to remember.

So why am I a bad blogger? I guess I don't post as often as I "should." But then again, maybe that's the guilt talking to me-- the feeling that tells me to be the best at everything, even when "best" is undefinable. I'm not a professional blogger-- I'm just someone who is trying to figure out what my place is in this world. And it's ok to not have all the answers. It's ok to live just one day at a time.




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